How can emotions be changed biblically?
(Helpful tips for marriages)
Emotions: This word is derived from the Latin ‘emovare’ meaning to move. Affect, passion, and mood are other words that describe some aspect of the same phenomenon.
The language of emotions has integral parts of feelings, attitude and behaviour. The language of Emotion the word feeling refers to the perception of bodily state as pleasant or unpleasant (I feel tired; I feel bad; I feel happy). Feelings may differ in intensity or kind, but basically there are 2 categories in which all may be classified: Good or Bad. Emotions like Anger, Hot temper, Bitterness, Resentment, Hate, depression, fear, anxiety, love, lust, evil desires, jealousy, envy, greed etc(Bad emotions). Peace, joy, love and rest are Good emotions. Passion is intense emotion, and mood is emotion of long duration. An attitude is a combination of presuppositions, beliefs, convictions, and opinions that make up one’s habitual stance at any time toward a subject, person or an act.1 The term behaviour is used to describe those activities of a whole person that may be judged by the law of God, and is responsible conduct.
They are like smoke detectors. They are not the primary problem but warnings of a primary problem. Check on the underlying problem that disturbs the emotions. Through the power of the Holy Spirit Christians have the ability to control the emotions and do what God wants them to do regardless of how they feel 1Cori: 10:13. Consider the first murder in Gen: 4:1-8; most likely it would not have happened if Cain was not that angry. That is why it is important to listen to counselees about how they feel and be sensitive to the effects of their emotions in their lives.
You see, emotions are in fact internal signals that are there to let you know there is a situation which may need attention in your life. A person who possesses emotional intelligence (i.e. is emotionally mature) will heed this signal and then self soothe and regain their composure without needing anyone else to help them and then later figure out what this emotion is signaling, and what might need to be done.
If action is needed, it should not be decided on in the heat of the moment. To best understand this, imagine that you in fact have two brains and the one that gets switched on when you are emotional (your amygdala) doesn't make the same quality of decisions that your other brain (your upper cortex) does. Now also understand that it's very hard to access information from both of these brains at once.
So anger does not mean that you will need to hit or yell at someone (to stop being taken advantage of), as your emotional brain may be telling you, instead it could mean that a real boundary needs to be set. Our emotions are not things we should need other people help dealing with on any regular basis or we will become a very difficult and demanding person to live with.
If you are in a painful relationship learning to take back control of your own happiness by learning the correct use of your emotions - may be the best skills you ever learn.
- Do you gossip about others behind their backs?
(I guess we have been doing that here and I hope that we have stayed honest and respectful (-:).
- Do you blame the problems in your life on others without looking at your own shortcomings?
- Do you fantasize about a life in which you will be loved and admired
(at the expense of your family around you)?
- Do you behave badly when you don't get your way?
Narcissism is easy to spot in others but so much harder to see in ourselves, but as we all want to be loved (deep down), let's not shy away from this challenge ...
Here are three ideas to help topple your false pride;
a. Admit something you are embarrassed about to someone close to you (and that you are embarrassed about it) and apologize if you need to.
b. If you have addictions, be honest with yourself and start to tackle them.
c. Vow to work on the small gaps in your character and admit to yourself that you must learn to crawl and walk before you keep trying to fly...
"My partner had been verbally abusing me for 3 years and my confidence hit an all time low. He criticized everything I did, the way I looked, my beliefs....nothing escaped. But once I understood ... it all changed and I changed. Bible has become my source of everything, and I found my confidence in Christ and Christ alone and He became my dear friend and the rock on which I stand. Even though the situations are bad God kept me focused on Him and His love all the time, and He became my absolute confidence. I am fully assured that nothing happens to me would go past Him without His knowledge and that gave me strength for every day’s life. God taught me how to love when it is not reciprocated, and I realized the situation slowy begin to change for the better. Now I look after him (my partner) and he looks after me, and slowly but surely I am learning to trust my partner again." – Report of a friend
Fight Busting
1. Do not bring up divorce or separation in the heat of an argument - This is NOT a decision to be made when you are upset ...
“Talking about divorce or separation during a fight will undoubtedly make the conflict worse.“
If your partner declares that they hate you and want to separate or other hurtful things during a fight, please remember they are mad and probably don’t mean what they are saying.
“We all say things that we don’t mean when we are angry.”
Don’t say: “I am leaving you” ....
Do say: “I am leaving the room to go calm down. I need some time to cool off”.
2. Don’t make ultimatums or threats > they will only come back to haunt you - If you try to force someone to do what you want by threatening them, it will always be at the expense of your relationship...
“Threats rarely work anyway; people do things more readily out of love than fear.”
Threats only breed resentment. If your partner’s behaviour is unacceptable you need to learn skills to set better boundaries for yourself and limit their unacceptable behaviour.
“Threats will only escalate the fighting.”
Don’t say: “Stop saying that or I will _______.”
Do say: “I don’t like the way you are talking to me and I am not prepared to discuss this now; I need time to cool off.”
3. Stop thinking you need your partner to do what you want them to right now - They can’t help you now because they are tied up dealing with their own negative emotions.
“Be wise and give both yourself and your partner some time and space to regain their composure.”
4.Take care of your own hurt - If you need to get away from your partner to feel safe and get some space to calm down do so but
“Say clearly where you are going, when you will be back and that you simply need some time to cool off because you are too upset to talk anymore. Then take care of yourself.”
If you can get time alone without being disturbed, stay where you are but don’t be waiting for your partner to come and see you to ‘make up’ or make you feel better. They need time to calm down too.
“If they walk out on you, forget about them for now and take care of yourself.”
If you have kids reassure them that you are OK and that things are going to be all right. No matter how hurt you feel inside, be brave and strong for your kids; they love strength in a parent and will look up to you for it.
If you can, ask a neighbour to watch the kids and then do something to feel better. This might include listening to calming music that you like, taking a walk somewhere nice, having a bath or shower or listening to the rain (or a recording of rain sounds). If there is no one to watch the kids, take them out for a walk or to the park and engage with them and be kind.
“Learning to soothe yourself and find your own natural true state of inner happiness, regardless of how your partner is feeling or behaving is one of the most important skills you can learn. It will empower you, make you more attractive and improve your relationship.”
5.Do not drink alcohol, use drugs or talk about the fight > these actions will only fuel your bad feelings - Likewise DO NOT work yourself up further by swinging your arms around, using a punching bag or chopping wood etc. It was once believed that this helped let off steam but it has been shown in many research studies that doing something calming is much better.
“You will change how you feel by changing your focus. Focus on something calm and beautiful and your feelings will eventually follow in that direction.”
Feelings change depending on what you focus on. Start by sitting or lying down or going for a walk. Give it a bit of time and the bad feelings will pass.
6. Decide NOT to think about the problem while you are upset - It takes nearly two days to calm down completely once you have really lost your cool.
“Make a note on a piece of paper of what first upset you but then make a firm decision to leave it till you are completely calm before you think about it again or decide what you will do about it.”
The voice in our head when we are angry tells us to do things that we will usually regret later.
“Smart and successful people do not listen to this voice in the heat of the moment and do not take too personally what others say to us when they are angry or upset.” Ecc: 7:20-23
7. No matter how much you feel like hurting your partner by saying or doing mean things, try to be honest about your own hurt instead - Say “I feel very hurt about what you are saying and I need some time to calm down. I hope that we can get past this”. You can also reassure your partner that you will stand by them and that even though you are angry you will not leave them (if you can do this honestly).
“Having the courage to admit your hurt and vulnerability and also your love for them is much more courageous and powerful than trying to control your partner with aggression or intimidation.”
Don’t say: “I have always hated you, you are a fat slob.”
Do say: “I feel very hurt by what you are saying and I am very angry at you, but I do love you too so right now I need some time to calm down before I say anything that I really don’t mean.”
8. if your partner is not answering you, understand it may be because they are overwhelmed -
This generally happens to men faster than women.
“When faced with criticism or conflict it is very human to reach a point where we just freeze up. Understand this and don’t make the mistake of thinking that your partner is ignoring you or trying to hurt you further.”
Silence in a fight equals emotional overwhelm and you need to give your partner time to recover their emotional balance before they can talk to you again.
Don’t say: “Stop ignoring me!”
Do say: “I need some time to cool off and you probably do too - I am going to take some time out. I am not attacking you, we can talk about this later”.
9.Don’t ignore what the fight was about - Refer to the note you made (about what triggered the fight) a few days later once you are calm and then decide what action needs to be taken.
“Anger is a clear sign that a boundary of yours has been crossed and you need to work on how you are going to defend it. Complaining to your partner probably won’t help.”
Note: a boundary is just like it sounds, it is the line of what behaviour you find comfortable accepting from others. If someone is rude to you for instance this line has been ‘trespassed’. Working on your boundaries later is just as important as you calming yourself down in the heat of the moment.
10. Don’t bring up the conversation again until you have decided how you are going to defend this boundary so it is not crossed again - You should leave this at least two or three days.
“Complaining to your partner is not setting a boundary.”
You need to let them know what the consequences will be which should be fair and just and not include you being angry, punishments or threats.
Don’t say: “If you insult me again I will leave you.”
Do say: “I love you but I want you to stop insulting me. If you can’t stop I will need to seek outside help to protect myself from your insults. If you don’t stop I may need to get our doctor/minister/the police/your boss to talk to you about how they might help you move past this.”
Please do not involve your partner’s family or friends in this!
11. When you see your partner again be ready to offer an olive branch - When you first see your partner again, soon after the fight, say that you need a few days to think about what you were fighting about and that you don’t want to talk about it right now.
“Try and be light and remember that admitting that you are sorry or embarrassed might be hard but is actually very attractive.”
You will have a chance to work on the boundary that was crossed and what you can do to defend it better later, but for now just remember what you value about your relationship and what you have in common.
“It is easy for fights to flare again in the two days after an upset, so give it time for you to both completely calm down before you tackle the issue again.”
Don’t think that talking through the issue must happen for things to get better. Take care of your own negative feelings (self soothe) and set your own boundaries.
12. Don’t make excuses that the conflict must be resolved immediately - The more pressing the matter, the more important it is that you take the time to calm down.
“If your partner is uncooperative and you need their help, then change your plans and organize things differently without needing them.”
Practicing this will help you become more flexible and you will slowly get better at it. You will probably never change your initial reaction to anger or upset, but you can change how you respond to this reaction. Just like exercising a muscle, you will get better at this with practice.
When you feel your emotions flare think:
“Now I have a great chance to exercise self control”.
This is not about bottling up your emotions. It is healthy and a good sign that you get angry when you are treated rudely, but it is also healthy (and very important for your own success in life) that you are able to decide to let the anger go and wait till you are completely calm again to deal with the problem. If it is appropriate say that you are angry but learn to regulate and control your response and to take note of what angered you and make sure you take the time to deal with it later once you are calm again.
“Anger is a clear sign that something is amiss in our life, but you will not gain anything by acting out your anger in the heat of the moment.” Practice these skills and you will see every aspect of your life improve...
Through the power of the Holy Spirit, we Christians have the ability to control our emotions and do what God wants us to do regardless of how we feel; 1 Cori: 10:13. On the other hand, emotions are powerful enough to make it much harder to do what is right. Muscular, galvanic, Visceral and other emotional responses of the body are responses to judgements made about the environment and oneself. These judgements trigger body chemistry to orient the body in a particular direction to meet a specific situation. This body orientation accounts for the feeling. The basic way to break the vicious cycle of strong negative emotions is to help the counselee understand the Biblical criteria for assurance and help them make the judgements on the basis of these.
Examples: Anger is not in itself sinful: Ps: 7:11 (God is angry with the wicked); 1 Kin: 11:9 (God was angry with Solomon); 2 King: 17:18 (God was angry with Israel); Mar: 3:5 (Jesus was angry with the Pharisees). Anger is a strong emotion and in Gen: 4:1-8; 4:4; 8; we see Cain had become very angry that leads to Murder his brother Abel. His anger was the result of sinful pride and could have been eliminated through repentance; without this repentance his anger provided the impetus for the most heinous of crimes.
Eve’s sin began with lusting which is a strong emotion as in Gen:3:6 “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it”; is the temptation and fall of man.
The Escape to Egypt: Matt: 2:13-18; Herod was jealous when he heard Jesus was born. Herod King of the Jews killed all the boys less than 2 years of age in an obsessive attempt to kill Jesus, the new born King. He stained his hands with blood but could not harm Jesus God’s Son. Herod was King by human appointment and Jesus was King by Divine appointment.
Scriptures to overcome ungodly emotions: Be slow to become angry; Prov: 14:16-17; 29; Jam: 1:19-20. Love covers a multitude of sins and over look many offenses; Pro: 10:12; 12:16; 17:9; 19:11; 1 Pet: 4:8. Seek the way of love; 1 Cor: 13:4-5. Hot words stir up strife; Prov: 15:1. A hot-tempered man creates dissension; Prov: 15:18. Do not associate wit the hot tempered man; Pro: 22:24-25. Control yourself; Prov: 25:28; 29:22; 30:33. Fits of rage belong to your sinful nature, the way of sin; Gal: 5:19-21. Through the Spirit you can overcome the sin of a hot temper; Gal: 5:22-25; Col: 3:8. Handle anger in a godly way and do not let the sun go down on your anger; Eph: 4:26. Jesus said that one who is angry with his brother without a cause will be subject to judgement; Matt: 5:21-22. Say no to ungodly passions; Tit: 2:11-12. Christ came to save us from lust and evil desires; Eph: 2:4-5. Not to conform to evil desires; 1 Pet: 1:14-16; 1 Pet: 2:11. Live by the Spirit to overcome the lusts of the flesh; Gal 5:16.
Emotions are feelings that come over you, irrespective of circumstances or in response to a particular circumstance. Scriptures which help us during difficult times are Psa: 31 (my times are in Your hands) and Ecc 7 (In good times be happy and in adversity consider). Heart is the seat of all emotions; has memory of all our past and what is happening now and has fixed thoughts, patterns of thoughts and beliefs. Scripture tells us to guard our hearts by all means because out of it overflows the issues of life. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.
Notes:
1. Typical attitude toward a problem may be discovered in the following responses: I don’t know what to do” …. “There is no problem”…..” I don’t care”
References:
1. John F. MacArthur, JR. Wayne A. Mack & The Master’s College Faculty, ‘Introduction To Biblical Counseling’, “A Basic Guide To The Principles And Practice Of Counseling” (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1994; p. 12-17)
2. Jay E. Adams, ‘A theology of Christian Counseling; More than Redemption: How sin affects Thinking’ (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1979, p.102-104; 114-115; 202; 218; 260)
3. John G. Kuris, ‘Quick Scripture Reference for Counselling’; (Grand Rapid: Baker Books, Third edition: 1988, 1994, 2000, p.70, 174)
4. Jay E. Adams, ‘How to Help People Change’ The Four-step Biblical Process, (Grand rapids: Zondervan, 1986, p.47-48)
5. David G. Benner & Peter C. Hill, ‘Baker Encyclopaedia of Psychology & Counseling’ Second Edition, (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1985, 1999, p.392-397)
6. Jay E. Adams, ‘The Christian Counselor’s Manual, ‘The Practice of Nouthetic Counseling’ (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1973, P.109-116; 349; 420))
7. Jay E. Adams, ‘Competent to Counsel, ‘Introduction To Nouthetic Counseling’ (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1970, p.220-248)
8. David Powlison, “Seeing with New Eyes” Counseling and Human Condition Through the Lens of Scripture, (New Jersey P& R Publishing Company, 2003, p. 211-223)
9. Fightbusters; http://www.fightbusters.com/Fight_Busting.html 12 steps to end a domestic fight or argument
