Christian Living In The Home
(Scriptural Foundation)
1. Christ Centred Home
2. Hope and Help for Your Family
3. Communication come first
4. Bible Basics about the family
5. Single persons
6. Word to the wives
7. Loving Leadership
8. Discipline with Dignity
9. How to live with an unbelieving husband
10. Conclusion.
(Book written by J.E. Adams, “Christian Living in the Home” Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Company, New Jersey, 1972)
Building a Strong Family is a challenge in the best of times.
Marriage is redefined, and Biblical approaches to discipline are under constant fire, and “family values” is becoming a campaign slogan than a personal priority of elected officials.
Stable homes have become a quaint anomaly, and it is not a norm any more. Jay E. Adams calls us to carefully check on the erosion of home and family as the basic unit of society and calls us to apply Scriptural principles and understand them carefully.
This little book gives Biblical advice on Christ-centered family living, communicating with family members, family guidance and discipline, living with an unbelieving spouse and many other areas.
1. Christ Centred Home
If you are a Christian you are concerned about this problem!
Definition of a Christian Home: “A truly Christian home is a place where sinners live; it is also a place where members of the home admit the fact and understand the problem, know what to do about it, and as a result grow by grace”.
a. Christians admit their sins: The Bible calls us to do so (1 Jn 1:8-10). There is no place for rationalization, excuses, or blame shifting. The freedom to accept the truth brings repentance, and forgiveness from God and from the neighbour is possible.
b. Christians know what to do about their sins: Scriptures give guidance.
c. Christians progress out of their sins: (Col 2:3). Sinners live in the Christian homes, but the sinless Saviour lives there too and that makes all the difference!!
2. Hope and Help for Your Family
We are told by sociologists, psychologists, that Christian homes have failed and as a result church has failed!! Medical model calls everything a ‘disease’ and Bible calls “all have sinned” and fallen short of the glory of God!
Examples:
Worry ---.> ulcers
Fear ----- paralyses one from moving forward
Resentment ------------- colitis
Sickness is not the cause of the problem, but the cause in each of the above case is SIN.
Biblical Examples: Fall of man, City of Corinth, Israelites in the desert and so on.
Men of all ages are human beings made in His image, marred by sin. God is still the same, and sin is still the same, and human beings behave in the same fashion, but for the sacrificial death of Christ on the cross to redeem mankind. God in His providence has made available means of handling difficulties even by the rapid transportation, communication, computers, ipods and ipads and so forth. In the midst of it all, the basics are still the basics. Man’s basic problem and God’s basic solution remain unchanged.
3. Communication comes first.
Book of Ephesians 5:22-32, Paul discusses marriage relationship in particular.
Paul addresses wives (v.22); and then the husbands (v.25). He describes the fundamental roles of relationships between them.
Eph: 6: 1; (speaks first to children); and Eph 6:4 (speaks to the parents)
Eph 6: 5 (speaks of the working or business relationships as he exhorts the slaves).
Eph: 6:6 (speaking to the masters)
Ephesians 5 and 6, Paul talks about the basic human relationships that Christians and other men must sustain.
Parallel passage: Col 3:18-4:1; The order is the order of life’s priorities. (Husband and wife relationships; then parent-child relationships; and lastly employer-employee relationships. One’s spouse, his children, and his work should be placed in that unvarying order; only tragic results come from reversals or shifts in these priorities).
Eph 1-3; talks about how God, from the foundation of the world, planned in time executed that redemption in the coming of Jesus, who shed His blood on the cross.
Eph 4; Paul turns from the more doctrinal and doxological materials to practical exhortations. Talks about walking in unity, spiritual gifts, the new man, and living and growing in Christ into His likeness. Talks about our former sinful ways with our new ways of walking with Christ. Christian relationships must unify and cause growth not only individually but also corporately.
Eph 5; speaks about walking ‘in love’ walking as children of light and being careful about the walk. Christian’s walk in Ephesians 4 and 5 is the integral part of the discussion of basic Christian relationships. This walk is not a solitary walk BUT A WALK OF ONE BELIEVER WITH OTHER and More so in a Christian marriage.
Practical Questions: How can a Christian grow in his interpersonal relationships?
Eph: 5:22-32.
Paul’s analysis of communication begins at Eph 4:25“Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members of one another.” Christians can not walk together unless they do so, on the basis of honesty, openness and truth. As members who function together in the same body, we must have truth in order to work in concert. Christian communication is explained in Eph 4; and let us turn our attention to Eph 5 22-32.
(I have stories in my counselling ministry that misunderstanding comes greatly when there is no open, honest communication)
How to handle problems? It is always wiser to attack the problem than the people with repentance. The whole picture changes when we discover the joy of researching issues Biblically. When the communication is straightened out, it is very much possible for the issues to be solved.
Christians can learn to live without bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, slander and malice. Learn to maintain an attitude of good will toward one another, and ask God special grace not to be selfish. When a couple has the wrong attitude towards each other life’s problems grow thick and tall. The wrong attitudes can be over thrown only by being ‘Kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven’. It was for law breakers Jesus Christ suffered on the cross, and we are called to love one another just like Jesus Christ.
What is love? Love is not a feeling, but at first can be expressed as giving. To love, one must give of ourselves, our time, our substance and whatever it takes to show love, because giving is fundamental to the Biblical idea of love.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life” Jn 3:16.
“I am crucified with Christ nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me;” Gal 2:20.
“Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; ; if he thirst give him a drink; for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head” Rom 12:20.
It is always with giving love begins, and the spirit of giving brings a new atmosphere into any home. In this new atmosphere love may grow and thrive.
Questions to our heart:
1. Write down one thing which you need to do in order to establish communication at your home with your spouse?
2. Think of one sin you have to confess to God and to your spouse which would lead to a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ and with your spouse.
Bible Basics about the Family
Basic Biblical principles, its foundations are shaking and it is on attack on all sides. The institution of marriage is on huge attack, which is the first Divine institution God has ordained. God’s Word uses the words covenant relationship; reasserted that God ordained marriage, and marriage is not an option. Proverbs 2:17, talks about adulteress who flatters with her words, who “leaves the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God.” A covenant in Scripture is a solemn arrangement involving a ruler and a subject. When one enters into a covenant, he enters into the most solemn and binding arrangement of all.
1. Mal 2:14, God argues that a wife is a companion and your wife by covenant. A marriage is a covenant made in the presence of God. God ordained it and it is not optional. Gen 2:18-24; God insists that as a norm, that, “it is not good for a man to be alone, and a man must leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.”
2. Marriage is good, because it was instituted by God before the Fall. Many people joke about marriage, play it down as though it was instituted by Satan. Sexual relationship between married couples was God ordained, and it is beautiful; Heb 13:4; Eph 5:22-33; Rev 19: 7-9; 21: 2. God considers marriage holy and righteous, and so it is called ‘holy matrimony’.
3. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7 about an exceptional situation and did not set it as a rule of norm. He was talking about celibacy as an emergency measure, and it was easier for individuals than for families to face persecution. 1 Cori 7:29-31a, Paul recommended celibacy over marriage in times of persecution. Celibacy is not a higher state than marriage.
4. God created woman for Adam because He said that celibacy is not good. It is therefore better for a man to be married. A man needs a woman.
What is a woman?
Gen 2: 18, says she is a helper. King James Version says. “help meet”. Woman was created as a help meet for man, which means appropriate and suitable for man. She corresponds to and complements man at every point, and completes a man.
(Very often I tell my husband one thing: “All that you do not have, I have and that is the reason God has given me to you.”)- ‘help meet’
Woman was created as a suitable helper to stand with him in life to help in every way (Eph 5:22-33; in a Godly home). This is a key factor which has disappeared from contemporary modern thinking. This is God’s definitive word about her role.
It is precisely by considering herself as a helper a woman is liberated. Woman’s liberation movements fail to recognize this, and unwittingly consign a woman to a life of slavery. As a helper she complements him, and completes him and the man and the woman becomes one flesh Gen 2:24. They become one complete unit, and as they come together physically, emotionally, intellectually there is a wholeness that did not exist before.
(Illustration: slice an orange and fit it again; that is the fit God is talking about in a marriage)
Man and woman need each other and when God gives the gift of celibacy He also provides the grace to live in an incomplete manner. Their completeness must be found in Him and this is not His ordinary way of doing things.
5. We all need some one with whom we can intimately open our hearts! Pro 2:17; Mal 2:14 talks about companionship which is the basic purpose of marriage. All of us have a need for intimacy and marriage meets that need. It is good to have someone with whom one may discuss ideas, think through problems, talk about issues, and offer another view point.
6. Wife is husband’s biological counterpart. 1 Cor 7:1-2; Paul stresses that if the person does not have the gift of celibacy from God, he ought to get married. Sex is not intended to be self-oriented but partner-oriented. Every self-oriented manifestation is a perversion of sex. Sex may be enjoyed but only according to the Biblical principle that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” Husbands and wives are required to satisfy the partners, and the most enjoyable aspect of sexual intercourse is in the pleasure of satisfying one’s marriage partner. Husbands should not withhold his body to get even with his wife, and wife may not use sex as a bargaining factor.
7. Child bearing: It is wonderful to have the quiver full of children Psalm 127; and they are a heritage from the Lord. God blessed them and asked them to be fruitful and multiply Gen 1:28.
8. They shall become one flesh Gen 2:24; “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and he shall cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Leaving, cleaving, and weaving are important in marriage, and this should not be forgotten. This principle avoids much heartache in marriages. When a man marries he no longer sustains the same relationship to his parents, but must become the head of a new decision –making unit that we call it a family. When the young man allows himself to be pulled apart by his mother and wife instead of obeying God’s Word everyone suffers.
The most basic family relationship is not the parent-child relationship, but rather the husband –wife relationship. This is a Divine institution God has ordained. According to Scriptures this relationship is permanent and should never be broken.
• In our society parent-child relationship has become more significant, to the detriment of children and marriage partners alike. This is in direct opposition to God’s Word. The most harmful thing parent can do to their children is to build their lives around them. Children need to see parents loving and living with each other.
• The obligation to see that there is love in the family, and the husband-wife relationship is going strong, falls most strongly on the husband as the head of the home, because Christ has made it as husband’s job.
Exercise: Husbands if, you think this Biblical pattern is not there why not take your wife for supper tonight and discuss this question.
Design a Chart of your problems, and solutions.
3. Single persons: finding a mate.
It is said in God’s Word that marriage is the normal state for adults. Each individual has his gifts from God and marriage or able to remain single are a gift from God. “And we know that all things (even gifts for marriage or single life) work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”. Rom 8:28.
Gift of marriage: How do we know we have this gift of marriage? What does one do if she/him discovers they have this gift of marriage?
a. Pray about this matter, and this prayer must be coupled with work; “If any man will not work, neither should he eat” 2 Thess 3: 10.
b. Prepare yourself for marriage: Rev 21:2; Rev 19: 7, 8; Prov 31:30; 1 Pet 3:3-5. Develop your Christian personality and in the case of a woman be a vital Christian, attractive and be an irresistible woman.
c. Proceed towards your goal: Whatever you do, do something about your situation, (meet people where Christian youth are) and in confident quietness wait for God to work, and powerfully commit the rest into God’s wise hands. Generally in an Asian setting prospective bride and groom were introduced unlike our Western setting.
Myth of compatibility: Compatibility is the word not used in Scriptures and the biblical fact is no two people are compatible regardless of whether their backgrounds were similar or not. We are all born sinners and hence we by nature are incompatible people. For two people to be compatible they first must become Christians and then work by God’s abundant grace very hard towards the task of becoming compatible. In other words, people are not born compatible, but become compatible eventually by the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit in our lives.
How do you choose your mate? There are 2 absolute essentials:
1. The other person is also a Christian.
2. The two people not only desire to, but growingly give evidence of an ability to face, talk over, and solve problems together from God’s Word in God’ way.
Before making commitments check if you could work together and solve problems Biblically. Whenever God is at work, He gives not only the desire but also the ability to carry it through Phil 2: 13; 2 Cor 8:10.
Sum up: Discover your gifts, develop your gifts, and demonstrate your gifts. One can develop a single person’s personal inventory table which contains: Who am I, What does God want me to be? Spiritual life, Prayer and meditating on God’s Word, Preparation for marriage: domestic, physical, and Christian personality and progress toward this goal.
4. To Wives: Eph 4 & 5
Communication is so vital and without this no proper role and relationships exists in the home. Crucial verses based on the creation ordinances expand the Christian’s concept of marriage is seen in Eph 5: 22-33.
God’s Word to wives Eph 5: 22-24; “Wives be subjective to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, He Himself is the Saviour of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” Usually when there is a role reversal there are many problems in marriage. Reversal of role lead to further problems, which often lead to further reversals, ad infinitum.
Questions to husbands and wives:
1. Husbands, do you love your wives to die for them?
2. Wives, do you love your husbands to live for them?
God expects wives to love their husbands so much that submission becomes very willing, as church is subject to the Lord! and Eph 5, is an inspired Word of God.
Paul wrote by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and he had a larger reason for saying what he said. If any one thinks, Paul was not gracious, let us look at the closing chapters of the Book of Romans. When he talked about the subordinate roles of women in 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy he did not based his arguments on the mores of his culture but based it on the order of Creation.
It is all about Biblical submission, and one will be pleasantly surprised to know what it is! What really brings freedom? When followed the rules, and running on the track! Freedom in God’s world never comes apart from structure, and one is free to live as God intended. Talk about woman’s liberation: genuine liberation comes when allowed to run on the track, and when she makes beautiful music in her home. The principle of submission runs through all of life, and it pertains a relationship 1 Tim 2:11-15; 1 Cor 14: 34, 35.
What does submission involve?
1. Submission is not doing husband’s bidding without question or suggestion. That sort of submission may be an Islamic, or old Japanese picture and not a Biblical picture. Biblically a woman’s God given gifts must neither be ignored nor suppressed.
2. A man is supposed to exert Christian leadership at home 1 Tim 3: 4-5 managing his household, and children and with dignity. He is to recognize that God had given his wife as a helper, and he will not want to squash her personality, but bring it to the fullest flower.
Example: Pro 31: 10, picture of a truly liberated woman and her husband knows to bring out her true potential. This woman recognizes her task is to help him, love him and do good all the days of her life. The Biblical picture of a liberated woman is described as one who delights to do her job. An ideal woman is compared to a merchant ship, and one who deals with real estate, gives to the poor, and one who cares for her family because she is not afraid of snow. Because of her worth, the bible says her husband rises up to a place of prominence in society. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and her children rise up to praise her, and her husband too praises her Pro 31: 28-31.
In any organization some one has to be answerable, and in the case of the family God has appointed the man as the head to be answerable to Him for the smooth running, and his wife is the helper. Wives are supposed to submit, and the only exception is: if your husband should ever require you to do some thing that is a direct violation of a plain commandment of God. When conflict arises that means there are 2 authorities in conflict, and remember that God does not act against His own authority. (Here we are talking about Godly Leadership as mentioned in God’s Word)
Wives check list can be on: House work, child discipline, sexual relations, social relationships, work outside, and husband’s helper.
5. Loving Leadership: To see love in your home is husband’s job. Eph 5: 25-33; Aspire to nothing less in your relationship to your wife, and husbands are to emulate Christ in all their ways. To be like Jesus Christ in relationship to your wife is an enormous order to fill. When husbands fail, they not only fail their wife, but also fail to represent Lord’s love for His church. If it is hard for wives to follow what is required of them, calling for husbands is harder! That relationship has to be perfect, because Christ and church relationship is perfect. This task is too great for sinful weak human beings. It is only as the Spirit of God works in your life that you can begin to approximate the Lord’s loving leadership over His church. Husbands had to be the head of the home, including your wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. That is the reason husband’s task is such a solemn one. When you fail to reflect Him (Christ) in your marriage, you damage His (Christ’s) Name.
Man and women had to emulate Christ by obedience to all His commands and the distinction is one of roles only.
Christ’s authority in the home is centred in the husband and not on the wife or children; God deposited His authority primarily on the husband and it is his responsibility to see that is exercised in ways that honour Christ. (He therefore more grievously misrepresents Christ to others when he fails!!!) Ref: Qualification of Elders 1 Tim 2:11-13; Eph 1:22; 5:22-32; 1 Pet 3:7. Please note that the headship does not mean crushing a wife’s talents and gifts, rather he recognizes it and uses it to the fullest. Husbands ought not to expect a woman to act like men and must be tender and understanding towards her. Headship does not mean authority but a loving leadership so deeply influenced by the love of Jesus Christ that the husband is at length able to love his wife as Christ loved the church; that is enough to die for her.
Col 3:18-19; husbands are not to be bitter against her whenever she does something wrong simply because you are managing the show. Husbands do you care for your wife even as nearly as you care for your body? Do you take time to listen to her? If she is unhappy, can you still be happy? Come back to love: Jn 3:16; Gal 2:20; Love is not a feeling, rather a giving of oneself to the other.
(World has distorted love: Hollywood, television screens, modern music etc…)
*Love does not come as fools believe, full blown from the head of Aphrodite; it must grow, watered, nourished, cared for, cultivated, and weeded too. It has real problems, but real love can grow tall and strong when cultivated as God says; and it is a process. Husband’s love for his wife can permeate all situations and establish love at home. When a wife is fully loved by the husband she is fully under his control and she will be very submissive. She is built that way.
Use a Check list on the following:
Am I truly the head of the home?
Do I know what is happening in my home day to day?
Am I in control of what is happening, leading the family in the direction in which it is moving?
Can I love my wife and children?
Do I truly love my wife and give myself for her? (List 2)
Do I assume responsible leadership over my family?
List 10 ways in which you begin to show love to your wife?
6. Discipline with Dignity
Eph 6: 1-4 (Discipline & instruction from the Lord; father’s responsibility); 2Tim 1:5; Tit 2: 3-5; Deut 6.
Under discipline: ‘One can teach discipline and obedience better with one rule properly enforced than with many rules you could not follow up.’ The Lord gave only 10 commandments for our life and there was one rule. Obedience was centred on it, and the penalty was clearly spelled out.
Divided authority can cause problems and the solution is that parents should think through before implementing it. Children are astute and when the parents are not in agreement they can see through it and drive a few wedges of their own!!
Failure to handle Biblically the situation.
Frustration methods rather than methods ‘with dignity’ cause problems. Frustration and yelling etc...
Over discipline: This could provoke children at some instances to anger.
Dads can not misuse God’s authority and flaunting authority is wrong. If God’s commandments are not grievous 1Jn 5:3, why should ours be?
Family Devotions should be family oriented and not children oriented. Children need to see how their parents settle down disagreements.
The children should be encouraged Biblically and with love; encourage them when they do good things! Remember the first commandment has a promise attached to it. Use rewards and incentives in teaching discipline to children.
Discipline and Instruction: Eph 6:4; Deut 11:1; and Paul also asked the parents not to exasperate the children. Always keep in mind that God disciplines His children.
7. How to live with an unbelieving husband?
It is not uncommon to find Christian women married to unbelieving husbands.
At the Cross of Jesus:
Women remained and men fled!!
Disciples were gone but the women remained!!
Wondered who their husbands were and where they were?
Ref: 1 Cori 7:39, Paul says Christians must marry only in the Lord. This is a clear cut commandment.
A Christian may not abandon his unbelieving partner; 1 Cori 7:12-16.
The presence of the faithful person sanctifies, or sets apart; Gen 18: 22-33.
The fruit of the Holy Spirit who dwells within the believer is in that home and His work may be tasted and His power may be seen by others: Heb 6: 4-5.
If the unbelieving partner leaves the story changes: 1 Cori 7: 15-16.
Read: 1 Pet 3:1-8
Prov 31: 10-31
Prov 5: 15-20
Home work:
a. What am I doing right?
b. B. What am I doing wrong?
c. What does God want me to do to correct my behaviour?
Conclusion:
If you have recognized some of the failures in your family, why not do something about it?
Biblical plan:
a. Make a full list of all things you have been doing wrong in your marriage (take the log out of your own eye before you begin)
Use a work sheet; be specific: example: speak harsh words; throw socks on the floor….
b. Confess your sins in repentance to God.
c. Determine to change Biblically.
d. Go humbly to your spouse and ask for forgiveness.
e. Seek to rectify any wrongs immediately; follow Biblical pattern of building up your spouse.
f. Seek outside Biblical counsellor’s help if necessary.
References:
1. Jay E. Adams, “Christian Living in the Home” (New Jersey: Presbyterian Publishing Company, 1972)
2. Jay E. Adams, ‘A Theology of Christian Counselling’ “More than Redemption” (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1979)
3. Dr. Larry Crabb, Effective Biblical Counselling; ‘A Model for Helping Caring Christians Become Capable Counsellors’’ (Great Britain: Harper Collins Publishers, 1977)
4. Quick Scripture Reference for Counselling; Third edition- John G. Kruis (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1988, 1994, 2000)
5. The Matthew Henry Study Bible, ‘The best of Matthew Henry’s notes in a handy one volume’ Reference Bible, King James Version (Iowa Falls: World Bible Publishers, Inc.1996)
6. Thomas Nelson, ‘The Holy Bible Containing the Old and New Testaments’ (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1982)
7. J. Vernon McGee, ‘Psalms’ (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991)
