Scriptural view for Marriage

      God’s Word for life and especially marriage can be focused on many areas. Attitude, children, commitment, contentment, courage, decisions we make, differences between spouses, how we face difficult times, and the encouragement we need as couples. Faithfulness in marriage, dealing with finances, forgiveness, future goals, grace that is needed for day to day living, healing, hope and joy in all circumstances are the overall package in a marriage.

     Patience which is the fruit of the spirit is essential for building strong marriage. Peace, perseverance, prayer life is the back bone in marriage and the Bible calls us to pray in all circumstances. Dealing with pride, and dealing with misplaced priorities, resolving conflicts and rest and renewal for the body, mind and spirit are essential in any marriage. Romance is part of marriage and along with that how do we serve our spouse, and do we both grow spiritually is a constant challenge in any marriage? The strength that is needed, thankful heart, trust in marriage and is our love for each other genuine becomes a continuous ache in many marriages. Wisdom and discernment, working together as couple, and unity as brothers and sisters in Christ, and how do we handle worry are continuous tug of war in most marriages.  With all of our differences, and individuality how do we worship the true Triune God?

       Book of Nehemiah chapter 3, talks about the rebuilding of the walls of Jerusalem. The work was divided in such a way so that without contention and separate interests every one has a part to play, and it is for the good of the public and in other words for common good and common interest. Even some females have work to do, and nobles did the work without contention for the common good of the people. If each does his or her part to mend the walls of Jerusalem, over all the walls are mended.

       The present state of the walls of Jerusalem in heaps and rubbles show the desperate need of or the state of the world around us. When people try to hinder the rebuilding of Jerusalem that represent the malice of the enemies who contend with, while executing the work of God. When we work together, we can defend the cause of truth and godliness and against the assaults of the enemies. The workers without complaint stood next to each other shoulder to shoulder focusing on their own sections.

      There is a principle from the above with the marriage relationship. Different marriages are different and their situations, circumstances, and goals are different, but working for the common purpose. Some marriages have incredible parenting challenges, some have serious medical issues to cope with, some marriages have financial difficulties and this may terribly affect the marriage relationships, and some may have trust issues because one spouse could have deflated the trust in their marriage. Whatever the cause or circumstances of the marriages, this shows in general all marriages suffer under the weight of Fall. Fall has tremendously affected the first Divine Institution God has ordained and we all need help and we need God desperately. In other words every marriage has this ‘wall’ which has been crumbled, and in rubbles and this needs attention and needs to be rebuilt!

     Very often we begin to realize the Omniscience of God, when we look at our spouse; totally different, may come with different gifting made in the image of God; and God has united this couple for a special purpose. It is possible one spouse with tremendous gifts to overcome difficult situations may be linked with one having patience to endure. One impatient spouse would have been connected in marriage to rub shoulders with a patient one; and God in His Omniscience would know that will be the perfect match to fulfill His purpose and to learn from each other. Marriage becomes a school where we learn to work with each other, learn from each other as one flesh. Very often one spouse’s strength is another spouse’s weakness.

     So patience is the fruit of the Spirit and the Word of God says that patience is better than pride. To build a marriage we all have to work on this particular fruit of the Spirit. ⁸ Better is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof: and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. ⁹ Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools; Ecc: 7:8-9; KJV. Scriptures to support patience in marriage are: 1 Cori: 13:4-7; Prov: 14:29; Romans: 8:25; Galatians 5:22-23; Psalm: 37:3-7; Psalm: 40:1-3; 2 Cori: 1:6-7.

 

     Above all other relationships, marriage relationship requires heavy doses of forgiveness. As a basic principle for forgiveness, God wants us to forgive our offenders, whether they ask for forgiveness or not.  And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors; Matt: 6:12; KJV. Forgiveness is a means of getting over the valleys of anger, and depression and bitterness. It is important to forgive so that the person who was offended will not get into the down ward spiral of depth. When the offended forgives the offender, this in fact releases the offended and this person becomes free, even if the differences are in temperament or violations of trust. This may be humanly impossible, but the offended is not operating on his or her strength, but working with the Omniscient God Who knows it all.

     If we read Genesis chapters 42-45, we see that Joseph had a chance to take vengeance on his brothers who sold him into slavery, but he decided to forgive them. The brothers of Joseph did not ask him forgiveness, but God gave Joseph grace and he forgave his brothers voluntarily. Each one of us has the freedom and responsibility to choose to forgive or not forgive our offenders. The intimacy of marriage not only brings joy, but also many moments of hurt which may be small or some could be huge. Love not only means to say sorry when we are wrong, but more importantly choosing to forgive, even before we are asked. This is God’s school of training us in love and changing us into His image and likeness. I understand this is a very hard school of training, but can we trust that God is training us for something glorious?

     One of the ways of solving conflicts in marriage would be to keep short accounts with God, and with our spouse. Agreeing on a direction for couple’s relationship, or family matters or in areas of conflict can be a huge hurdle, and praying becomes harder as a couple. Bringing family matters to the throne room of God every day in prayer helps a family not only drawn closer to God, but also continually builds the ruined walls! When handled with a prayerful heart very often conflicts become an area of growth, where God shows areas or issues of our heart which needs attention.

      Where is true love? Ephesians 5:21-32; talks about the true marriage, Christ and Church as the model for our Marriage on this part of eternity. ²¹ Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.²² Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.²³ For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.²⁴ Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;²⁶ That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,²⁷ That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.²⁸ So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.²⁹ For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: ³⁰ For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.³¹ For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.³² This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

      While the above is the model for True love, to attain this at this part of eternity seem to be a huge struggle and hurdle in this Fallen world. While our earthly relationships let us down again and again, our relationship with God can genuinely and fully meet our deepest needs for significance and self-worth. I am constantly reminded of Psalm 23, and this could be a poetic reminder to every married person when one faces difficulty in marriage. Our good Shepherd is always there to restore us, especially our soul which is made in the image and likeness of God, and He is able to comfort, meet one’s needs and deepest longing and desires of our soul. What a great comfort a child of God has!

       Genesis 50, talks about Joseph’s life and how his needs were met by his earthly father till one day to his shock when he lost it all. When Joseph’s jealous brothers sold him to slavery in a moment Joseph lost everything including his family. In the long journey to Egypt where was Joseph’s trust? Probably Joseph would have never learned depending on God completely, but for his difficult circumstances in a foreign land. Some times life was thrashing down but his trust was in God;  But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive; Gen 50:20.

         Whom do we put our trust in good times and bad times? Some may trust people in higher position, and some may trust in family members and some may even trust in their possessions. Remember just like Joseph things could be gone in a minute and if we put our trust in people invariably they will disappoint us. If our happiness and trust comes from people and things this would inevitably lead us to misery and loss of hope. ⁷ Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.⁸ For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit; Jer:17:7-8.

     One can not look for happiness and security in marriage because this is putting too much security and pressure in marriage. Happiness, security, self-worth, and confidence should come from the One who formed us in our mother’s womb and knows our frame. He will never leave nor forsake us, because His love is true and is unconditional.

      In quietness and confidence shall be your strength - Isaiah 30:15. Are we limiting God by the way we think? Imagine a circumstance that we consider as really bad. We can use whatever descriptive words we want- difficult, hard, agonizing, frustrating, strenuous, debilitating, horrific, sorrowful, confusing, perturbing, penetrating or painful. Is there a problem too awful or too hard for God to handle? If our answer to this question is anything other than "no"" our understanding of God is too small. Our God is a great and limitless God. He dwells in eternity and operates in infinity. He has all things within His understanding and all things under His control.

     In companies when one owns 51% of the shares, that person has all the say than the one who owns 49% of the shares. So in general people try to get the 51% of their shares so they have all the say. The question here would be: Is God really in our marriage? If He is, what is the percentage of His partnership in our marriage? How much do we really want to involve God in our marriage?

Website References:

        1. Nehemiah Chapter 3 - THE STUDY BIBLE

www.thestudybible.org/Nehemiah-3

The book of Nehemiah chapter 3 from the King James Bible Online. The Study Bible. Search keywords in the Bible: Find a specific verse: Chapter ...

Book references:

  1. Peter Scazzero. Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. Thomas Nelson Publishers; 2011.

  2. Goldenberg, I and H. Goldenberg. Family Therapy: An overview, 8^th Edition. Pacific Grove,

       CA: Brookes/ColePublishing, 2007.

   3. God’s Words of Life on Marriage @2000 by Zondervan, ISBN 0-310-98358-4

Other references:

1. Allender, Dan and Tremper Longman III. Intimate Allies. Carol Stream, Illinois: Tyndale House publishers, 1995.
2. Goldenberg, I and H. Goldenberg. Family Therapy: An overview, 8^th Edition. Pacific Grove, CA: Brookes/Cole Publishing, 2007.

3. Richardson, R.W. Family Ties that Bind. Vancouver B.C: International Self - Counsel Press Ltd, 1995.

4. Thomas Garry. Sacred Marriage, What if God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy. Toronto: Harper Collins Canada, 2002.

5. Mary E.DeMuth. Author of Ordinary Mom, Extraordinary God, Authentic parenting in a postmodern culture, practical help for shaping your children’s hearts, minds, and souls. Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 2007.

6. William T. kirwan. Biblical Concepts for Christian Counseling, A case for integrating Psychology   and Theology. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Book House, 1984.

Recommended reading & resources:

7. Dr. Larry Crabb. Effective Biblical Counseling, How caring Christians can become capable counselors. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977.

8. Everett L. Worthington JR. Hope-focused marriage counseling, Author of forgiving and reconciling, A Guide to brief therapy. Illinois: IVP Academic, Intervarsity Press, 2005.

9. Barkley, Russell & Robin, Arthur. Your Defiant Teen, 10 Steps to resolve conflict and rebuild your relationship. New York: A division of Guilford Publications, 2008.

10. David Furlong. Healing your family patterns, how to access the past to heal the present. London: Judy Piatkus (Publishers) Ltd, 1997.  

For further reading:

1. Millard J. Erickson. Christian Theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House: 1983-85, p. 947-1002. 

2. R.T. Kendall. Understanding Theology, Developing a Healthy Church in the 21^st Century. 1996, p. 357-364.

3. Jay E. Adams. A Theology of Christian Counseling, More than Redemption. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1979, p.249-275.

4. Louis Berkhof. Systematic Theology. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1996, p. 423-450.

5.  Robert P Lightner. Handbook of Evangelical Theology, Historical, Biblical, and Contemporary Survey and Review. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, 1986, p.527-544.

6. Charles Ryrie. Basic Theology. Chicago: Moody Press, 1986, 1999, p.374-377.

7.  A. H. Strong. Systematic Theology. New Jersey: Fleming H. Revell Co, 1907, p. 869-881.

8.  Wayne Grudem. Systematic Theology, An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1994, p. 736-761; 840-850.

9. Steven W. Waterhouse. Not By Bread Alone, An Outlined Guide To Bible Doctrine. Amarillo: Westcliffe Press, 2007, p.188-191. 

10. John Theodore Muller, Th.D. Christian Dogmatics, A handbook of Doctrinal Theology for Pastors, Teachers, and Laymen.  St. Louis, Mo: Concordia Publishing House, 1934, p.384-386.  

11. Prayers To Move Your Mountains. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000.

12. John White. Parables, the Greatest Stories ever Told. Illinois: Inter varsity Press, 1988, 1999.

13. ESV Study Bible. English Standard Version. Crossway Bibles, Wheaton, Illinois: Publishing ministry of Good News publishers, 2008.

14. The Matthew Henry Study Bible. King James Version. Iowa falls: World Bible Publishers, Inc. 1990.